Whirlwind

That is exactly what my emotions have been lately. I don't mean that in a negative way, or even a positive one. I haven't been crying or excessively happy. I guess I consider them a whirlwind because I am very confused. Sometimes life gets very confusing. That is in fact what makes life what it is. Uncertainty and confusion. Especially when you are faced with decisions that you need to make. Weighing the pros and cons of important decisions gets a little exhausting and at times can leave you just stressed out. I won't go into too much detail, though it isn't anything I am trying to hide, timing just isn't right right now. I will say that no matter how many responsibilities I have picked up in life, no matter how many huge steps I have taken, at the end of the day I am still an 18 year old girl. I still have all the same desires to do things that my friends do at home. Independence is still new and as each day passes I only gain more. It is a beautiful thing to me. I am only 18, but sometimes feel like I am just so much older. Older because of the insight I have on certain things, and older because of the lifestyle I have chosen.

Which brings me to a major question in my life, which is whether or not it is all right for me. I love it here in Spokane, I love Fairchild, I love the friends I have made here, I love my little home, I love my animals, I love myself, and most important I love my husband, the man who asked for my hand in marriage and who I happily gave it to. But when you roll it all up into one, it's a heavy load, and sometimes I feel like it is weighing me down. I know it is probably a very normal feeling and I know the choices I have made in my life have ended me up here, but sometimes I just wish I could have taken on everything that I have at a later time in my life. A time when I am more ready to dedicate myself to things other than finding myself and the freedom you want while you are young. I don't regret any of the decisions I have made. I have said it before and will say it again. Moving here was one of the best things I have ever done. And when it all comes down to it, this is where I will stay. I moved my life out here, settled in, and I am not leaving it behind. I am happy here.

With this being said, maybe I am just going through a confusing time, but I feel like this confusion will only grow with time. Sometimes you are given everything in life, and everything you are given makes you incredibly happy but somehow there is something inside you that reaches out for something more. Something different. Something that only you can give to yourself, because it is yourself. This may not make a lot of sense to any readers, but it really truly does to me. If I could go into detail, and spill out my life story in a blog, I think it would make a lot more sense. But for now, I will just say that I am a very strong spirited person. I love life and I see beauty in so many different things. I love to explore the world and I love new places and people. I love being young and moving through life, learning and growing. I guess the thing I am reaching out for, is to experience all of this by myself. I have been told that I need to do "soul searching" and really think about everything I feel right now. But I think that the soul searching I really need to do, I want to do alone. Maybe things will change, maybe they will not. Regardless I will be happy and follow my heart because it is what I have always done.